predictions

Every year about this time magazines and newspapers ask psychics and other "professionals" about their predictions for the next year. But nobody ever asks those of us who are just plain old cynical assholes. So fuck you, here's MY list of predictions.

Global/ Political:

1) Tom Delay and his associates will off be freed on a "technicality". The GOP will claim a mandate to keep its upper echelons out of jail while the poor rot in holding cells.

2) There will be more confirmed cases of the torture of "enemy combatants" at the hands of the US military. The White House press statements will continue to insist that the US does not torture even with mounting evidence and calls for accountability. Why? Because if you repeat something enough people will buy it. (Remember 911=war on terror=Iraq?...)

3) Iran will buy a nuclear arsenal from Israel, putting millennia of ill will to bed and raising hopes for peace in the Middle East.

4) Osama Bin Ladin will somehow manage to continue to elude the largest manhunt in the history of Western civilization, and not miss a single dialysis appointment.

Entertainment

1) No less than three mid 80's television shows will make it onto the big screen.

2) Somebody will go on Oprah and act crazier than Tom Cruise

3) Dave Chappelle will be back on the air with the new catch phrase "..and you are no Jack Kennedy, biatch"

4) Teen Beat will host an awards show for everyone mentioned in its pages during the past 10 years. The Ultra-suede liberal elite will firebomb the proceedings on general principle.

Science/ Technology/ business

1) Scientists will fail to produce cold fission. (ok, so it’s a ringer.. I deserve one)

2) Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed and Moses will appear at the congressional hearings on stem cell research, however they will mysteriously dissapear when the “Intelligent design” debate flares up again.

3) Better picture, better sound, same old crap on TV

4) at least three major corporate scandals with ties to someone in the federal government.