Burning.. a theme

It makes me wonder how people have managed to exist for so long. Not as individuals. as a species. We have almost no true survival instincts, natural weapons (such as claws) that could be useful, and as a whole.. we're morons.
Since this is Christmas, I'm asking nicely. Stop being idiots. Thank you.

Fuck Christmas

There, I said it. Every year some asshole with a chip on his shoulder and delusions of radicalism tries to be "edgy" or "sacreligious" by shouting fuck Christmas. Well Fuck you buddy, get a life, and come up with something original. You aren't hip, you aren't savvy, you aren't even "with it". So quit being an asshole by ruining the true meaning of the holiday.

The rape and pillage of Roman and Pagan religious holidays to boost the market share and palatability of Christianity.

Oh, and there is NO "War on Christmas" it's just that some people are smart enough to realize that their job is to calculate the cost of your purchases, appropriate money from you and send you on your way. It is not to read your mind to determine what particular holiday you are making your purchases for. While other people have realized that The Jews own everything and if you don't want your home loan to suddenly have a 20% spike in interest rates.. you better be nice to them. (Ok, so they don't own EVERYTHING, but forget about the Gaza Strip for a moment and focus on America.)

If Macomb burned.. the world would be better.

I am a fervent patron of places where fights are only a moment away from starting. Dirty smoke filled bars, metal shows, Divorce courts... but I have noticed that relatively nobody tries to start shit in a nice restaurant.

Until tonight.

I took my girlfriend to one of the nicer bars in town, since today was December Graduation, parents were taking the families newest degree holder out for a nice dinner . So there was a wait. This is normal, the matre d was dutifully taking peoples names and seating preference, calling names as tables became available and doing his redneck best to be snobbish. Unfortunately the restaurant does not have an adequate waiting section since it doesn't often have to deal with crowds and there was a general bottleneck around the door and people coming in kind of shuffled off to the side as space permitted. For example my girlfriend and I were shuffled off under the coats in the coat rack.

An asian family came in behind us, it appeared to be a recent graduate, father and Uncle/ family friend type. They made their way to the front of the line so they could tell the matre d's attention and get on the list. From the back this burly redneck comes charging up shouting "do you want to step outside? We were here before they were..." Repeat four or five times as this poor man half his size dressed in a nice suit in celebration of the day, tried to maintain some diginity as he was being yelled at in a language he didn't understand.

Unexpectedly from my voice box I heard the words..."Would you two please put your ego's back in your pants, this is a nice restaurant. Let the poor man get his name on the list, wait your turn politely and then go home and shoot yourself as a favor to the human race."

If I spoke so anybody could hear me I might have gotten a reaction.

Movies

Wow, Two movies at the local theater that I actually want to see. So I went to see both today. The Lion the Witch And the Wardrobe and Goblet of Fire. I recommend both, for exactly the same reasons. They make you want to read the book, while giving you a quick enjoyable, overview of the story. (and if you're 14 or a pervert.. cute chicks)

I feel Bad

I really don't like the area I'm in. Too many rascist bastards out there for me to be truly comfortable settling down here on a permanent basis. Of course this means that my sarcasm level is through the roof most days just so I can cope with being here.
Unfortunately the area is still seemingly stuck in the early/mid-90's minus the flannel and reduction in gay bashing. For example... "blister in the sun" was recently referred to as a "recent release" on one of the area radio stations. Ok, so maybe partially stuck in the early 80's too, which makes me wonder if I should break out the Michael Jackson Red Leather coat and sequins again.
However, I need to digress and get back to my point.. I have a high sarcasm level normally, out here it is raised beyond it's normal level, and well into the level of an editor at the village voice checking out the fashion trends at wal-mart.
But how is this important now? Good question.. and one I'm glad you asked, you see, it snowed here last week. 2". Many of my customers know I'm not from around here, so in order to have a topic of conversation they'll ask what I think of the snow.
Snow? I'm from Upstate N.Y. Which means that it's considered a heavy frost until Ron Jeremy is invisible lying on his back and happy to be there. So I'm standing there feeling like I've just been shown a picture of an ugly baby...
"So what do you think of all this snow?"
"uh, it's cute...Maybe someday it could grow up into something..."
I've learned that people don't like it when you mock where they live. I'm sorry Illinois...

Happy Thanksgiving

Let's celebrate all of the puritan inspired tradions and kill people on trumped up charges. oh, wait.. WMD.. sorry, my bad, continue with your jihad of hate.

Would you...

AS I drive way to much I have the unpleasant "joy" of listening to the radio. (At least when I forget my Ipod or replacement batteries for the little radio-adaptor doohickey) and I have come to one conclusion. Mediocrity=money.

This is a new theory for me. Even with my deep seeded hatred of commercial radio and it's endless variety of payola schemes, mediocrity=money is new to me.

But how? Wouldn't people say "Hey, this is crap, give me sopmething good?" No, because the hardest part of the entire scheme is it has too be sufficiently proficient to keep people from changing the channel in horror.

Once the song is recorded, and radio play is guranteed by hiring a blond bombshell to blow every Program director in the area. (brief pause here to point out that this also presents some difficulty as some program directors are female) the song is played on the radio.

This does not guarantee a hit. Most people won't even register a song until they have heard it a few times. So it has to get played again... brunettes for the second week.

Since most stations now have extremely short playlists, you will hear the song once every other hour or so for a couple weeks. Even if you don't like the song, and make an effort to change the channel when you hear it, you will still learn the song by sheer repetition. Once the song is in your head, you will begin to hum it, and sing along. This makes you like the song. After all you wouldn't be singing along if the song sucked right?

And now that you like the one song.. shouldn't you buy the album?

No, fight back.. buy extremely BAD music!!!! I don't mean bad like a garage band with shoddy equipment and a broken sense of melody.. I mean truly bad... "Muhammed Ali's greatest polka favorites", or leann Womacks new Jazz fusion album she recorded with Vanilla Ice's 3rd cousin, or Tom Celay humming the iraqi national anthem.. accompanied by a rythym section of blindfolded deaf mutes with tourettes (and triangles). But for the love of god do NOT encourage Coldplay to put out another album.

Forgot one

+2 points: Two words: Strip Risk.

Geek Cred test

Recently I have been talking to a few of myfriends about the fact that our geek credibility ratings have been suffering recently due to changes in our lifestyles. Such as having to pay for our own comics, RPG's, computer upgrades, DSL etc. In order to help rectify this I have devised a "geek Cred" scorecard. The goal is to net at least ten points per day, once deductions have been taken off. Extra points are not awarded for normal, regular playing of Tabletop RPG's, computer RPG's, Video games etc. as this is part of the intrinsic geek experience. These points are ONLY to increase your cred, not establish it.

Social interactions
+1pt each
1. Snide comments about "daredevil, Episodes one through three, Elektra, HHGTTG, Starship troopers, or any other piss-poor comic book adaptaion, Sequel, or Sci-Fi movie. However comments must be made to a non-geek who LIKED the movie.

2. $100+ purchases in a comic store which do NOT include Graphic Novels, toys, RPG books, novels, or collectable editions.

3. You join a game oriented website, even though you already belong to 4 or more.

4. Your password for that site begins "upupdowndownleftri"

+2 points Ea.

1. You have "Invader Zim" on preorder for PSP

2. You play the lottery in the hopes of winning enough money to buy the rights to "Star Wars" in order to remove the bullshit.

3. You get a D+D oriented vanity plate for your Prius.

4. You bookmark another free porn website.. that doesn't have any spyware on it.

+5 points ea.

1. Ignoring girlfriend to play a new video game. (+10 if she's naked)

Any other Ideas for points?

Geek

I need to update my computer. It's too slow to play the movies for civ4 without crashing... Fuck!!!

life just plain old sucks.

Still no car, the filling fell out of my molar, and the company I work for has instituted a policy which has caused a lot of customers to stop doing business with us. Remind me again why I work commissioned retail.

People I miss.

Insurance salesmen.
Republicans running for office.
Democrats running for office.
Slow mechanics.
Klansmen.

I really need to work on my marksmanship.

I hate you.

Pretty much sums up my felings towards the world right now. My last post was eaten by the ghost of ISP's past, my car has been in the garage for over two weeks because some moron in a parts department can't punch in the right numbers to send the right part, and my dental plan doesn't pay for "advanced" dentistry.. like a filling. So rather than have people read more of my complaints, I'm going to visit www.kingdomofloathing.com and get out some of my aggression in an never ending battle to get more meat.
Oh, and I hate you too.

It's morning

For those of you that know me, seeing me up at this time should come as a shock. I just wanted it on the record.

Ignoring the "news"

I went to the dentist today to get a filling done in my far back molar. I need a root canal and a crown but I can afford a filling. Hopefully it holds long enough to scrounge up the cash. Making the task of saving money more difficult, my brakes went on my car. Again. On the plus side I did walk an extra mile and a half today because of that. Since I'm trying to lose weight I felt proud of myself and had an extra big helping of ice cream for lunch as a reward.

But as I was sitting there in the chair waiting for my face to get all numb and mallable, I watched what is passing for Journalism on tv. I was watching MSN because.. well, because it was the first channel I came to that wasn't commercials now back off you CNN snob. The discussion on hand was about the latest supreme court nominee. The one the Dem's won't vote for on principle and the one republicans won't vote for because she's not conservative enough. The "liberal" fortunately was not able to say all that much because She waited patiently until it was her turn to speak and didn't interrupt. Seeing this, combined with general observations of the past 10 years have lead me to want to help the Democrats. Poor lost pseudo-liberals that they are. Here is my advice.

1) Impeach Cheney. Hope he's shocked, has a heart attack and keels over. He may not be running in 2008, but if he has the heart attack now the initial rush of sympathy will be over.

2) Get mean, start calling these rich white "christian" hypocrites on their hypocracy. How can a rich guy truthfully follow a religion that prizes poverty? and ask the leading members of your party the same question.

3) Get your rich guys together and put together a liberal Country supergroup to counteract all of the chest-thumping "let's go kill sumpin" tracks on the airwaves now.

4) Nominate a Black Woman. After Seeing "taxi" I think Queen Latifah is available.

5) or... go after the bigot vote. IT worked in 94 and 2004.. Hey, you might not lose much but you might gain the senate.

6) Give up, move to canada and let the country rot in a cesspool of rascist, homophobic, Christian supremist, war-mongering, polluting filth. Then, come back in 4 years and buy it all for pennies on the dollar.

Just thoughts.. add, criticize, and mock as you will.

I need...

I finally got to the movie theater to see Serenity today, 30 dollars in gas, plus the cost of the ticket. and I'm not going to complain about anything in the movie.. except for two things.. 1) The Shepherds past was not explained. I have my suspicions, but nothing concrete. and 2) Kaylee never flashes the camera. Damnit, if I spend 30 bucks on gas, I want to see some titty. (Inara would have worked too, but she gets laid more often so it wouldn't be as much fun.)

Oh, and Terry Pratchetts new novel "Thud" is in stores now. It's a been good weekend for me.

A news Story we didn't see.

At the Hip hop Honors show last night a stunned Mike "check" Myers looked on in stunned silence as aconfusd Mr. West said "Notorious B.I.G. doesn't care about Black people."

You know, that would have been funny as hell... right up until Mr. Combs came up shooting while screaming "How dare you insult my meal ticke.. er... my friends legacy like that!!!!"

Overheard at Wal-mart circa 1 am

"Daredevil?"

"Yeah, it's really good."

"(Sound of me tripping over my own jaw and landing in the DVD's"

TO those playing the blame game

The levels of responsibility for the pure level of inhumanity in N.O. are astounding. But nobody seems willing to accept any. Well, like a package you never signed for, or a sweater from Aunt Martha, you get it anyway.

GW- huh, maybe god doesn't support you, or perhaps you shouldn't have diverted funding so you could play in the sand. One of the two.

FEMA- Well, if you plan ahead there's no emergency to manage.

State and local gov't. When you tell people they have to leave.. help them do it.

Individuals who chose to stay- When god says git, git!

There, it's been said and we can get back to the important news... who is Brad banging this week?

Brief note to the Liberal Parties

The next time you're looking for a bright articulate black guy to be a keynote speaker at a fund raiser. Don't hire Konye West.

Some food for thought

Many people over the years have sought to use racial slurs in a positive way, thus removing their power from them. Instead it seems to reinforce the seperation between races. However I do not believe that the idea is totally without merit, however the offending word just has to become a synonym for something completely unrelated to race. One of the easiest ways to do this would be to replace chlothing language with offensive language. So instead of your new T, you toss on a new mick. Other examples:

"Spic" would most likely work as a synonym for shoe, same first letter, same number of letters syllables etc. This way you would have your work spics, casual spics, running spics and cross training spics.

"Honkey" Change one letter from hanky and you're already there.. "You realize I'm going to blow my nose on this honkey, you sure you want it back?"

"Guinea" Now describes hair gel. "Man I got so many Guineas in my har it's standing on end.

"Chink" Those little mesh shirts that look like nylon chain mail.

"Nickers" could easily become niggers.. and finally Republicans everywhere would be able to tell the world how many niggers are hung in their closets." (And yes, I am just picking on the republicans because I can.)

New Orleans

Rolled By god

So as an experimental test of my willpower (which I do occassionally) I occassionally give up one of my vices. sometimes for good, sometimes just to see how long my willpower holds out. Here are some of the results:

Because of Seinfeld I had to try their most famous one.. 3 days..

Drinking... 3 months just because I didn't have anybody to go out with and didn't wanna drink alone.

posting on my blog... a month I think.. check and see

Video games.. 3 days

Smoking 5 days so far...

Buying CD's.. 2 weeks when I'm working 2 months when I'm not and I have friends kind enough to send me music.

Some Advise for IL.

First I want to say that I am turning on the word verification option due to spam... deal.

Now, on to the blog.

I am currently living in IL, as you may have noticed from my nifty little description. apparantly the people in the midwest are taking the anti-terrorism warnings a little too seriously. Some of my favorite examples.

Many houses still don't have house numbers for 911 vehicles etc. Apparently if the terrorists can't find you they can't kill you.

Either turn signals haven't caught on or people believe that if the terrorists know where you're going... they will win.

Duct tape is damn expensive.

Because so many terrorist organizations are using Crystal meth to fund their efforts, I can't buy enough claritin to keep my allergies in check for a week. Given the choice between being unable to breathe and a slightly increased chance that I might be killed by a random terrorist assassination attempt because I have a house number and use my turn signal.. I know I'll be able to fight back better with a lung full of air and a nose empty of snot.

POW Blog

Well, that might be overstating a bit, but gone, but not forgotten is basically how I'vce been typing this thing lately.

For the last couple weeks my life has been: "wake up, work, get offended by some rascist remark a customer made, come home, sleep."

Oh, and buying comic books... my geek cred was seriously suffering so I'm taking the route of the nostolgic geek and buying the book versions of some of my favorite comics from when I was a kid... GI Joe seemed a lot better written then. Oh well, it's still cheaper than crystal meth.

Gar

It's not just for pirates anymore.

Build a better man-trap

There is a saying: If you idiot proof something, the idiots will astound you with stunning feats of inventiveness.

I am that idiot.

You see, I like to design and build things. It's part of who I am... Unfortunately right now it's cheaper to buy a pre-fab entertainment center than to buy the wood and build it myself. (Partially because right now there is a 12" mitre saw with my name on it; sitting on a store shelf somewhere... waiting for me to come up with the cash. So I would be down 500 bucks before I even got to the lumber.)

Unfortunately said prefab furniture was designed to be build on a perfectly level floor by two people inserting slot A into tab B. Unfortunately I'm one person.. and when I push my rolling chair across the floor I feel like I should have taken some dramamine first. So the edges don't line up perfectly.. Which would be an easy fix except that in order to get to the screws that are holding the offending pieces together, you have to take the whole thing apart. Since I want to play my PS2 before next week, I'm going to have to live with it..

Oh, And I'm missing a piece.

Getting around to do things

I'm a great procrastinator. I will put things off until I absolutely have to do them, especially laundry and dishes. I'm so good at putting opff these two things that I will often do something productive instead of dishes and or laundry. For example, right now I'm putting together a shiny new entertainment center for myself. Go me.

However I realized that if I am truly going to become a master of the procrastination craft, I must find something even more meaningless to do winstead of assembling pre-fab particleboard and plastic... so I wrote this.

Look an update!!!!

Isn't it cute? All these pixilated little letters strung together to to form nonsense in the finest tradition of the form.

The lack of justifiable margins.. brilliant! So much better than setting up a system where you have to already have a word processing program, and did the cut/ paste thing.

And the background... pull out my Bauhaus albums, it's time to whine and moan about existentialist dread and suicide. Fun!

And it's time to get dressed and go to work, so put your damn clothes on you pervert, sitting in front of your computer naked as the day you were born, what's wrong with you?

heh?

So I've sat down to write something two or three times this past week, only to give up halfway through my point and get some sleep. So to save myself having to type out everything I was going to say this week.. I'll just summerize the main points without any supporting arguments, fact checking etc.

1. Fantastic four, more like fantastic suck.
2. Gitmo tribunals ok'd by courts.. apparantly activist judges are ok if they side with Bush.
3. Live 8 just ended, farm aid is coming up.. when's the benefit concert for London?
4. People suck
5. I ordered a cd online and was shipped the wrong one, hopefully the problem is fixed before I have to start listening to albums I've heard before. ('cause I went on a cd buying binge)
6. Silverfish are a pain in the ass to kill and are my #1 argument against renting a basement apartment.
7. New Harry Potter book is darker, and oddly surprising in many ways. And Rowling is definately getting better as an author and storyteller.
8. I remembered what 8 is for!!! Gordon Gano can kiss my ass!!!

'dem kids be fine

So I was thinking about cookouts the other day. More specifically about how inner city kids never truly know the joys of roasting a marshmallow over an open fire while telling ghost stories with a flashlight under your chin.

Of course, this is me, so I started to picture somebody setting up some cones around a campsite in the middle of Flatbush. Bunch of kids running around, roasting marshmallows over an open flame, Dealers on the corner telling the crackheads and pimps to leave the kids alone. Sleeping bags spread out under tents in a city where you go inside for a breath of fresh air.

The hard part would be keeping some drunk from driving over the campsite. Because that would turn it from Whimsical little experiment into tragedy.

Ah London, let the finger pointing begin.

So, all the conservatives out there are waiing for those of us who are of the liberal persuasion to start blaming Bush for the Attacks in London.

Well, I'm not going to. The blame for those attacks lies solely on the shoulders of the perpetrators.

However, I can't help but wonder, if it was Part of Bin Ladens fellowship of future martyrs... Shouldn't we have continued to go after his fun loving gang of mass murderers and sychopants instead of diverting our resources to a country that could barely keep its power plants running? Much less its weapons development programs?

Freedom of what? A ramble.

I spend a lot of time listening to Talk radio. Unfortunately the only consistant source of talk radio in this part of the country is religious broadcasting. Wait, I can't truthfully call it religious broadcasting. It is Conservative Christian radio. I have yet to hear a moderate voice, Islamic call to prayer, or even Hebrew prayer. (oy, lord, let the bagels be fresh!!)

What I have heard, and heard often, is a statement very similar to: "Things were better when we had religion in schools and in our courtrooms.", "They kicked God out of our schools", and the interesting term, "Northeast liberals". My favorite is the one about kicking god out of the schools, particularly when the speaker goes on to imply, if not state outright that students aren't allowed to pray before lunch, tests, athletic games, or whatever. Which is a complete and total fabrication. If a student is not allowed to do these things the school is in a state of clear and complete violation of the first amendment. (Unless the school is a private one)

What all of the court decisions have said is that a teacher or staff member cannot LEAD OR ENDORSE such actions while working in their official capacity. Because that creates a situation where a government employee is establishing and endorsing a specific viewpoint about everyones relationship to the almighty.

Christians in particular should be rejoicing and thanking the courts for this instead of attacking them. Why? Because what do you tell little Sally on the day after her Baptism and confirmation when her Teacher says it doesn't count because that sects views differ from the teachers own? Plus there is still all of that bad blood between Catholics and Protestants. Remember when the KKK hated Jews, Blacks and catholics equally? This way students, especially grade schoolers, are protected from early exposure to philosophical theological debates which they are not yet mature enough engage in. At least not in an informed and civil manner. Picture if you will the following snippet of a possible, theoretical conversation:

"Hey mom.. heaven sounds fun. but who would win in a fight, Moses, Abraham, Allah, Buddha, or Jesus? I think it would be a tie between moses and Jesus, because Moses could part the sea and have it crash back on everybody else, but Jesus would just have to walk a little faster, or turn it into wine because after all that time in the desert Moses would have to be thirsty., and then when he was drunk Jesus could just hit him with his own staff.. what do you think mom, huh huh huh?" A far cry from debating different translations of scripture and whether or not the death penalty is for or against the will of the almighty.

The current official ruling is a good one as it allows parents the opportunity to teach their children the complex relationships between oneself and the almighty without having that relationship mandated by our government. It also allows teachers to do their jobs without stopping the discussion on the relationship between pi and the circumference of a circle, to give a little inspirational message using the Pythagorean theorum to quantify the blessed trinity.

But what about the non educational aspects? Personally I think we have a better culture now than we did during the golden era the religious right talk radio callers get so nostalgic over. The 1950's. How are we better off? In list form for a change of pace...

1. I haven't heard of any lynchings this year.
2. We're not arresting Comedians and poets for using terms like "Cocksucker." (See Lenny Bruce and Alin Ginsberg for more details)
3. We've had the chance to learn from stonewall, Ohio State, and watergate to make sure they don't happen again.
4. I wasn't alive then.
5. Video games.
6. We're not fighting a "police action" in Southeastern Asia.
7. Two words... Color T.V.
8. We know that AIDS exists, its symptoms, and are actively working towards a cure. In the 1950's We didn't know about it, so treatment wasn't an option.
9. A D.A. Haircut now means you're going for a retro look, which sounds a lot cooler than going to the barber and asking him to make the back of your head look like the back of a duck.
10. If david letterman sues me over this list.. I'll make millions in talk show appearance fees.

To be fair.. send me some ways we're worse off.

News flash:

Christ has been spotted in Cedar Rapids Michigan.

Which means that the rapture has already happened and all of the true Christians have ascended to heaven.

So would the Conservative right please just come clean and admit they were faking it for the camera? Come on.. you didn't fool the almighty, you've got nothing left to lose.

Yeah, If pat Robertson is right, I'm burning in hell...

feel bad

You know I feel bad about merely complaining that my isp is horrible.. but I've lost my "always on connection" at least three times while attempting to write something witty. Unfortuantely frustration and wit are not good bedfellows, So I wrote this instead.

Damn was I wrong

So I go the the local ISP.. (Who I now unfortunately do business with due to lack of alternatives) To enquire (Inquire? Esquire? Another beer good Squire?) about thier wireless DSL package.

3 month waiting list to be added.

Fuck that... I swallow the jagged little pill that burns my throat more than a full bottle of bathtub gin and get a land line hooked up for my apartment. 30 bucks a month so I can get dsl installed. (And make local calls to Poppa johns, and dominoes of course.) Phone line is scheduled to be up last monday.

They gave me the wrong phone number, so when I go to the ISP to sign up for regular ass DSL I can't tell them what my phone number is... Eventually we get through to Verizon, Find out my number and I am told I have to wait a week until I can get DSl hooked up.

Now it's hooked up. I've been working since 9 this morning, got home at 12:45 and now I need to make dinner.

Damn I miss my cable modem

damnit

I Will probably be on more often in the very near future. My internet access is moving back to NYC for an internship, so I'll have to break down and finally accept the sad state of broadband in this state and get DSl.

I think I was just spoiled back in upstate NY. 50 bucks a month got me more bandwidth than I could possibly use, and out here the same 50 will barely get me 56k.

I Never thought I would say this, but I actually miss being a time warner customer. The cable company out here is so confident in its monopoly in this town that it barely even advertises, much less upgrades its services.

Other comments made

Since My girlfriend has never had sharp chedder cheese (to her Knowledge) I picked some up while we were at the store the other day... But something was missing.. the crackers my Mom used to buy to go with the cheese. i loved that cheese and the mere thought of that taste once again passing my lips was causing me to salivate in the middle of Sam Waltons legacy. Unfortunately I couldn't find said crackers.
The following echange then took place:

"I can't find them"
"Just pick some, it's a whole Aisle of crackers"
"Babe, this is wal-mart, it's a whole store full of crackers... But I'm looking for ones that taste good."
"aibgigwbrbfh good"

Sorry about that.. Some unmentioned pserson who looks an awfully lot like my girlfriend has sabotaged this posting.

Yeah, I'm a prick

So I'm walking by this flat chested twenty something the other day. She says something rude... What it was was not important. Suffice to say it was rude.
I pulled the bag of crackers I had in my pocket out, opened it, and began to toss then down her low cut shirt.

Once I had her attention and turned to accuse me of the horrible thing I was doing; I merely pointed out that since she was obviously starving the poor things, someone should feed them.

Then I ran... I ran so far away.

Finally

I know I said it would be at least Sunday before I saw Sin City. I finally saw it today after my girlfriend treated me to a great steak dinner.

The only downside of the night was the half drunk assholes in the back reacting to things that weren't happening at that point in the movie. I think I'm going to go see it again. Not because they were that annoying, but because the movie was that good.

grrr.. not gir, grrr

I paid my taxes on friday. now all I have to worry about is if the government cashes the check before friday.. when I'll have another paycheck in my account so the check doesn't bounce. (I hear they don't like that)

culture

Today I was planning to take my girlfriend out to dinner and a movie. I know, I know, we've been together for three (By the way, she's reading this over my shoulder so if my train of thought is derailed... blame her) years, and the dinner and movie date should have been replaced by the sit around in our underwear and belching date. But I thought I'd change it up a little.

So my plan, wake up, play some video games, hit the ATM, see Sin City, and try to find an Indian restaurant somewhere within a 100 mile radius of this cultureless cesspool we Americans call the heartland. Completely ignoring the fact that if it weren't for immigrant populations this country would be full of unspoiled natural beauty, wildlife, and tobacco. But I digress, that was the plan... instead I woke up, played video games, hit the ATM and paid 10 bucks to get laid... wait, no.. I paid the ten bucks for the two of us to get into a "Cultural Bazaar" at the local college. (and yes, the pay for sex comment is my revenge for having her read over my shoulder.. hope you enjoyed it)

India, Brazil, Thailand, Japan, Scotland, the USA, Germany, etc. were all represented by a small booth with some pictures and general information about the country it represented.

Africa was also represented with a booth. The entire continent, put into a 5x5 square. I was rather disappointed though. They only had a few "cultural" trinkets and mini sculptures. No AIDs, famine, tribal civil war, or half naked women with big boobs being drooled over by national geographic photographers on loan from Larry Flynt.

A brief walk around the display booths meant that we had seen the world... in five minutes, plus the time it took me to buy some food tickets and pick up a Mountain Dew.

Then the "dancers" started.. Salsa, Merengue, tumbling, and a funked up Americanized version of a traditional Japanese dance. Yes, folks, we were subjected to bad japanese techno while a group of Vietnamese, Filipino and Chinese students pretended to be both Japanese, and able to dance. (Hey, they all look the same and in the midwest who would know right?)

We left shourtly after.. when 3 South east Asian students and some red haired mick tried to exhibit a vertical interpretation of the Karma Sutra.

And now I type this knowing full well that I won't get to go see Sin city until at least Sunday... So I rant instead.

other news

I know I am an asshole: I'm a cynical, egotistical, meglomaniac with a poor attitude towards my fellow sapient beings. Which is why when I heard the news that Pope John Paul Ringo Torglesmeyer finally passed away my first thought was: "Good, maybe now people will shut up about terri Schiavo and Michael Jackson."

Damn,I hate it when I'm wrong.

the sadness that is my job

Since I am essentially a Travelling salesman going from house to house driving a big truck.. I see a lot of people every day, Almost all of whom reaffirm my generally pessimistic view of the human race.

Example:

I stop into my first at home customer of the day the other day. Pictures of GW mugging for the camera a well greased palm pressed against the flesh of up and coming casualty statistics line the wall.

I mention that I was a theater major in college and she instantly begins this long diatribe about how her son is such a great artist who is being held back by the liberal teachers at his school.

and then proceeds to have her other son bring down every picture this boy has painted since kindergarten. (Slight exaggeration.. it was really 4th grade)


Normally this wouldn't be a problem.. but she would go through each picture explaining to me how each line had meaning and how creative and talented he was.


of the pieces she showed me, only two weren't copies of other peoples artwork.. mostly tool album covers. As a result of her in depth (and incorrect) interpretations of her sons work I was running an hour late all day.

Damn republicans are annoying.

chinese

So I was out at a chinese buffet the other day. it was the first time I had been to this particular buffet and was surprised at how unfocused the wait staff was. Normally at family owned restaurants the wait staff is fairly focused on the task at hand, working to make sure that the customers are happy and the family can stay in this country instead of being shipped back to their homeland where.. whatever.. point is they work to make the customer happy.

Back to the story: My girlfriend and I sat down and had a pleasant if uninspiring meal. Our waitress brought us our end of meal fortune cookies and asked if we wanted more to drink. Of course I'm not about to give up the opportunity to ingest more caffeine so I politely reply that yes, in fact, I would like more Mountain dew. She looked away into the distance as though the combined wit and wisdom of Confucious, Sun Tzu, Chairman Mao, and Wayne Brady was written there and then walked away.

I didn't get my Mountain Dew.

5 minutes later she came back, and asked if we wanted a complimentary refill on our carbonated beverages. Again, I say yes.

This time I got it, so the story ends on a bit of a lame note. But I did stiff her on the tip for not bringing it to me the first time.

Oh, and I just got glasses... It is nice to be able to see again, but as I'm in the midwest I am now able to get a good look at where I am... I miss the east coast.. even the backwoods portions of New York have begun to look good. Fortunately I'm working 5 14 hour days a week now, so I don't have much free time to think about it.

need internet

I've been online so sporadically that the 80 dollar a month cable/dsl bill is actually looking like a good idea.

movies I've liked

since I got to steal my girlfiends internet access a little more than usual I thought I'd put up a brief list of movies I finally got around to watching and thought people might enjoy:

Bubba ho tep
Confessions of an American Girl
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind
Maria full of Grace
A day without a Mexican
Collateral (Which I fully expected to hate)
Breaking all the rules
Real Women have curves
Way of the Gun
Rundown (Again, I expected to hate it)

There is a cheap movie rental place near me which offers new members a 50% discount for the first two weeks. I'm still thinking that Crack would be cheaper and less addictive than movies, books and music.

hehe

As part of my new job I drive around a lot. I visit peoples houses.

People own dogs.

Dogs hump thing.

Including other dogs.

In the midwest it's amazing how entertaining that can be.

At least in comparison.

(What prompted that last broken set of statements was meeting an overfriendly dog who jumped up on my leg, my bosses leg, and the other dog in the yard. Unfortunately for the other dog it was facing the wrong way to enjoy the experience.)

Fuck Homeland Security

I went to the DMV today to get my Illinois drivers license.

My NY license, Lease, and social security card together did not give Illinois enough proof that I was who I said I was. I also had to have my high school fax them a transcript.

Now I'd think that the transcript would be to verify that I could indeed read and write and had gone through Drivers education.

no.

It was to prove my age.

The proof of age I had to present when I started kindergarten was mom saying "Yep, he's 5". Which is the same proof I had to offer when I first got my permit.

In a post 911 world security is too overrated. Having to call 1000 miles away to bother a person on their day off just to provide a second opinion on my age is just annoying. But apparently making it move difficult and annoying to move around our supposedly free country is keeping the terrorists from winning. Because the terrorists want to take away our freedom.

Finally

Last year a friend of mine suggested that I apply to join Mensa.

So I went and took the test. I was told results would be in within a month. I patiently waited the month. No answer.

Two weeks went by. No answer.

Another week. no answer

I call... turns out that while I was trying to decide where I wanted the results sent, I had filled out the paperwork with my street address and my mothers zip code. I gave the organization the correct information. I was assured that results would be sent to the correct address.

Two weeks, No Answer.

Another two weeks.. I forgot about it.

10 months later. I get an email asking me to renew my membership.

I guess I passed the test.

The joy of Brothers

I do not get along with my stepfather. I know most people who have step parents don't get along with them at first, but usually after the first 20 or so years things sort of even out. Not in my case. Part of the reason.. he's a rascist homophobic republican with a degree in agriculture. I date a black girl, know a few show tunes, vote independant (or democrat if I must) and have a degree in theater. Gee, I wonder where the conflict comes from.

So as stated in a previous posts I have begun a new career. Unfortunately it is not in my preferred career field, but it pays better and gives me the opportunity to sit in a truck and write bits between sales calls.

So I'm at New Employee training and talking to my mom. Who is obviously stifling laughter. When I ask her what's going on she tells me the following:

"Your little brother just went up to dave and Went: "You know how you're always saying Kris is worthless and will never amount to anything? Well now he's making twice as much as you do and he just started... and he's got benefits too.. hahahaha"

I love my little brother.

yay

just started working again for an actual company for the first time since last April. I've got benefits and eerything.. although they don't kick in for 2 months. but still, first day of work in a while. I guess pissing in that cup was worth it. although the New Employee Propaganda er.. orientation does seem a little much. Ah well. I guess I can deal with 3 days of medulla nullification as long as they don't ask for my soul.. or at least pay more than fair market value.

Grammys

I've gotten over my enjoyment of these awards ceremonies, Oscar, Tony, VMA etc. for the following reason: They are giving awards out to people who write crappy songs. Granted they've been doing this for a while, but you could usually experience at least one surprise, Doubly so the years Guns N Roses won: "I'd like to thank the fucking.. oh shit, i said fuck.." To paraphrase Slash.

It might just be a byproduct of the rise of the neo-con reich, or this year, it could just be a fear of a Janet Jackson like furor. But U2 winning a grammy for their worst album over Franz Ferdinand, Green Day (who finally put out an album I liked), or the Killers just reeks of medeocrity given flesh.

And the Janis tribute.. Who the hell was that honey voiced bitch that ruined bye bye baby? Does she have a career? Does she know her musical heritage, or is Janis just a hippy with a so-co bottle to her? Janis, Louie, Lady Day, These are singers who should never be covered by singers with a smooth voice filled with technical ability and devoid of emotion. Fortunately in this case the hoarse scream of a bald Melissa Etheridge came in to at least make the performance tolerable.

On a bright note for my commentary the Tsunami victim performance was good. A bit off at times.. but made all the better because of it. Ah well, Maybe next year our national musicians can put out more than three or four albums That I actually want to own.

Randomized musings of the eh.

So I can't smoke in my apartment, which I knew before I rented it and it makes sense. (The cold Air return in my apt. runs throughout all three apartments.) So I spend a fair bit of time outside thinking weird things in order to entertain myself. One of the items bouncing around my head is the following:
Is it just me, or do all of the anti-homosexual factions seem to focus on men? My theory on this, which seems to be backed up by half of my e-mail, is this: Everyone loves lesbians. Furthermore, since women make up 51% of the population 2% of the world population has to rely on leftovers or lesbianism to get laid, and there's nothing worse than having to eat somebodies left over meat loaf.

I hate IE

I need to learn to cut and paste my blgo entries using a normal word processing program because IE keeps eating posts. Such as todays, which included some lovely allusions to the superbowl, a description of a local bar and some lovely imagery of my girlfriends gastro-intestinal irregularities. Instead you get this short little post of me bitching.
Oh, and I start my New job on valentines day... So bitching about being unemployed has stopped.

Drunken encounters

So Serwah and I went out last night, as we don't really know anybody in town going out for us consists of us sitting around in a smoke filled bar making snide comments about the drunks around us and kkkk <
But I digress and return my thought process to what I was planning on talking about today. Which is the bar we were sitting in. We paid the $3 cover gladly as I am always happy to support local musicians, even if they are just another local bar blues cover band. However Once we had ordered our drinks I noticed the price difference between New York and Illinois. Namely 3 bucks a drink. So a 50% price increase for my normal drink. We headed to the downstairs bar area which was a bit quieter and less crowded than the upstairs (where the band was on a five minute break). It was quiet enough to hold a conversation in an inside voice instead of "LOUD DRUNK VOICE". At least it was when we got down there, After we were there for a couple minutes the Bartender put on an Allmans brothers DVD and proceeded to turn up the volume well beyond the normal background/jukebox level and into the realms of live band using volume to compensate for lack of talent. Fortunately it was the Allman Brothers band so the talent was there, but there is only so much Allman brothers I can take before either falling asleep or looking for a fight.

Then we were joined by an 40 ish blond Keanu Reeves circa Point Break lookalike. he was barely coherent but jovial and introduced us to his cousin and proceeded to ignore anything said to him, while carrying on both sides of his own internal monologue. It soon became apparent that he A: was Drunk, B: Was looking for a place to crash, and C: Was not at all subtle or bright. However he was entertaining and his cousin bought Serwah a drink just to be sociable. All in all a good evening.

predictions for SOTU address

Since GW gets the podium tonight for his annual address, here are my predictions:
Mention of God, his religion or portrayal of himself as a prphet fighting the evil muslims: 8
Mentions of basing US law on his religious beliefs: 4
Mentions of 911: 6
Further attempts to create an link between al-quaida and Irag in the minds of voters 4
Total use of the terms "Evil", "War on terror", and "democracy": 17
Number of times he couches the failures of his administration in terms of successes: 7
Amount of non-bs in speech 0%

Dwelling on the depressing so I can get it out of my system.

a list of the negatives in my life:
I'm balding, which means in 10 years I'll look distinguished, right now I just look like I spend to much time with my head in my hands.

My VCR died. Yesterday,itjust decided to stop working, and due to the next item on the list I can't afford a replacement.

I'm unemployed. Of the last four jobs I've had, I lost 3 of them due to a lack of work. The other one was because I wanted to work someplace new so I might be able to make enough to pay for my college loans.

I have no money. Due to unemployment, moving expenses and just trying to stay alive I went through what little money I was able to save this summer.

I just found out that I need glasses. All of my life my eyesight has been really good, 20/15 or so. Including the last time I went to renew my license. But when I went to get my physical my left eye was 20/40 and my right was 20/30. More money I don't have.

I can't find a place to cash my unemployment checks in the town I just moved to. Since I don't have enough money to start an account anywhere, and the checks are written on an out of town bank. Which also means I don't have the money to pay my rent.

Ok, begin the pity so I don't have to do it myself. I'm sick of it. it's gotten boring...

Stuff to think about.

Being unemployed is the worst thing that can happen to me. Or to anyone who prefers to work than to loaf around doing nothing. When I'm working I tend to spend more time writing etc. Whereas when I am unemployed I don't. the sense of urgency is just not there.
The old adage in this case is true; If you want something done, give it to someone who is busy.

My girlfriends breasts glisten in the sun

This has no bearing on my posting for the day, just looking to pique your interest you sick voyeuristic pervert.

On Monday I have to go for my first pre-employment drug screening. This irritates me, for a couple reasons. First, I am being accused of commiting a crime, merely because I am applying for employment. The message pre-employment screening sends is, "You applied to work for our company.. you must be high."
The second reason it bothers me is we have allowed our corporations to collect and analyze our bodily fluids. The idea that someone wants my urine is mildly disturbing. The idea that my urine is more important than my skills and abilities in assessing my value as a potential employee, is extremely worrying.
Imagine if you will...

"I'm sorry "Superman", you have super strength, x-ray vision, you can fly, are impervious to heat, bullets, cold and the deep vaccuum of space... but apparently you and Aquaman have been experimenting with the hydroponics, so we are unable to employ you as a security guard."

This is my hell, I'm sorry you all have to live here.

iradikation of mispelink

Since I am currently not online at home I need to use my girlfriends laptop and campus connection. which means that instead of using a normal sized keyboard I am trying to get my big fingers to try and find the litle keys. Thus misspellings are more common. I just spent an hour proofreading an e-mail for a prospective job. grrr.. ah well, with any luck I'll soon either be employed or have found a way to oay for grad school and I can go back to typing on a normal keyboard. Hope springs eternal.

Random example of stupidity

I have applied to the local state college in the town I have moved to as a graduate student. . I am still awaiting official confirmation of my acceptance, or lack thereof. However the Chair of the department did send me a quick e-mail which contained the following statement:
"The graduate program at WIU is an MFA, not a Masters."

Hmm... So the master of fine arts program is not a masters program... I'm having serious doubts as to the integrity of the program.

Moved

I have finally made it off of the East coast. I'm now stuck in the midwest looking for work instead of Upstate NY. Yep.. big improvement.
There's less snow.